My Life

Well, it might have come thirty years later than it should have, but I get it now.

I have spent the past 20+ years figuring things out and doing serious soul searching on the path to becoming the dude that I am now, but it is an ongoing evouoution of the self. Like in that old cancer commercial, “it is a bunch of little eureka’s” (if you remember this, you might be old, or an Al Waxman fan).

I concider myself somewhat sensitive to the needs and feelings of others, but I am still an old dog, raised in a different time, and in ways, with diferent values.

When I was in school, there were very few “special needs” kids, and I was told that I was lazy and stupid. The teachers would take great delight in passing arround my writing that they refered to as Glenn’s “hyrogliphics”, then laugh and laugh.

You see writing hurts, and still does. I can only write a sentence or two and my hands start hurting, but back then, they just said I was lazy.

Not that I am complaining (much), and we all have our things to deal with, but as I said, 40 years ago, things were, well just different.

Like at work, I know that helping to take down the salad bar is not my job, and I enjoy it, unless I am really busy, then I need as much time as I can get for my own work. I could however be wrong, so I wont say anything, and I am the new guy, and I have a habit of choosing the wrong time to speak up (which I only find funny in retrospect).

Well, I am probably straying a bit from my chosen topic, the point is that the teachers made fun of me, and I felt worthless.

Oh yes I have a screwed up eye, which to me is no biggie, but it does tend to affect how people “sometimes” treat me, for example, I went back to school as an adult and actually completed something.

I will write muh more about this in time, but right now it is only important that I took a series of courses, finished something, and really felt good.

Unfortunately there were many interviews where interviewers would say things like “your eye might bother the staff, or our customers”, or the place that said “no, we can’t let you work on computers, but you could work part time, unloading the trucks”

Out of desperation I even went to Employabilities, who specialize in placing disabled people. I walked in and before I could explain about my (computer) certifications, the fellow sat back, crossed his hands and said (and I quote) “you are unemployable, you might as well leave”.

Talk about feeling worthless, but once again, well, until I gave up, and now I mainly just wash dishes and work in warehouses. I do however keep plugging away at the computer thing, sort of like the lottery, if you don’t buy a ticket, you don’t have any hope.

Now that the stage is set, I will get back to our little morality play for tonight.

I was sitting in the bar after work a few nights ago, and being a bar there was were one (well more, but that is not part of this story) obnoxious jerk.

By the way, this is one reason that I stopped drinking, after getting my little bit of education, I went from a happy drunk to an obnoxious one.

anyway, this jerk (emboldened by alchohol) yelled out “********, you have the sweetest ass that I have ever seen”.

well sir, all of a sudden, all these things came rushing back to my memory, as I saw this poor girl tighten up, and I could just feel the frustration.

It is sad to say, but true, if a lady works in a bar, she will get bigger tips, the fewer or tighter her cloths, that is life, and she chose to work there.

No one however should be treated like a thing, or that all they are is a “nice ass”, and sadly I will say to this lady, and all other bar waitresses, whenever this happens, I am sorry, but at least, I get it now.

Be happy,be good to others and remember to be good to yourself (you are worth it).

Glenn

gaburey@talkingtoghosts.com

Hi everyone;

I have taken a part time job at a movie house so I can post some reviws, minimum wage and no benifits, but free films. I will be posting these on my scruffymedia.com site. but my “Batman” series, I will be crossposting. After this I should be getting back to the usual crap.

By the way, by getting some of this stuff out I am calmer and happier.

My first (set of) reveiws is on “The Dark Knight”,  enjoy.

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Yes, a guy who happily admits when he is wrong, and was I wrong!

On the 20^th I went to see “The Dark Knight” expecting to complain and let everyone know what is wrong with it. I hated “Top Gun” (take out the people and you might have a nice documentary), I thought that “Transformers” was the biggest piece of crap only rivaled in its “crapulance by “Men In Black”.

Yes, I enjoy being that lone (because no one wants to see films with me anymore) voice of reason in the wilderness, the one saying that the emperor has no clothes, the one who says “forget the hype and think, just think for yourself”.

So I walked into the theatre feeling all superior, but am glad to say, I WAS WRONG!!!!!!!!!

Not only was I wrong, but in a movie acted by some of the most talented people alive, I was blown away. It was like 2 movies in one, the movie, and Mr. Ledger showing everyone else, how it should be done.

Yes I was very wrong and I will set out to see Mr. Ledger’s other films as I would like to see if this performance was created by a talent outclassing all others, or, that once in a lifetime role when an actor goes beyond himself  and  gives the world the best that they have, a moment in time, a point of perfection, their best performance, paling everything before, and filling future performances with a sadness in the knowledge that, it is over, now they are just marking time until retirement.

This, by the way could be why this young tragic death has touched so many of us, perhaps it makes us think, “have I already given my best, am I just putting in time until my own demise”?

Either way this is a movie that I, and I am sure many others, will put on our shelfs next to movies like “Citizen Kane”, “12 Angry men” and “Casablanca”.

As for me, what is next, well, I have my ticket to go back to that theatre and see, you guessed it, “The Dark Knight”, and loose myself in a performance that to me is as perfect and captivating as the angelic voice of Mario Lanza.

Perfection in any form touches us all, some say it brings us closer to god, and this mans work in this film does just that.

Thank you Mr. Ledger.

Be happy, be good to others and always remember to be good to your self

Glenn

gaburley@talkingtoghosts.com

Hi everyone;

Wow do I have a story. You see, this morning I was walking my puppy (Scruffy, and yes, he earned that name), and thought that it is about time to do a random act of kindness, pulled scruffy away from something gross and thought no more of it.

As our walk was drawing to a close, one of the neighbours stopped to talk as he was driving by,

Twice I have sorted out computer problems for this guys family, and I used to work with his daughter (total babe), so like acquaintances and neighbours, we spent a few minutes talking. Unfortunately, his other daughter has cancer and has to go to another city for a bone marrow transplant.

Now I take this very personally as mother “thought” herself to death, when she was diagnosed with cancer. You see 50+ years ago she was a nurse, and back then, cancer was (in her mind) a death sentence.

This pushy, strong, opinionated; maybe I should take a moment and tell you about mother, and the best way to do this is to retell a line from her eulogy.

“In their long marriage, Lilian made all the small decisions and being the dutiful wife, left all the big decisions to father; unfortunately, there never seemed to be any, big decisions”.

Anyhoo, this strong woman did something that still un nerves me; she gave up. Less than 5 weeks later, she was dead; maybe outlook would not have changed anything, but that is why I will always take this personally.

Anyway this fellows daughter is well, if you know, you understand, and there is no more explanation needed.

Without thinking about it, and knowing that there will be hours spent waiting in doctor’s offices; I packaged up my ipod touch (my eternal companion), and walked it over to her parents place for her.

Now, lets get this straight, I hate people, I have no time for them, all they have brought me is disappointment. When I am lucky enough to have a girlfriend, life is great, with her I am kind loving and open, but that is it.

Well, the exception is her family, if they are cool, I become Mr. Family dude; basically, I am a lot like Homer Simpson. Beyond this I avoid people (okay, I am desperately lonely, but that is my own pile of crap).

I do strangely, like doing nice things for people, you know, random acts of kindness.

The Christians are correct when they say, “good acts won’t get you into heaven”, however, things like this can make a blue day happy, and, well, on my crazy little world, I feel that people should help each other. Good acts, if done with a happy heart, can change a person, and sometimes, this is where happiness comes from.

Also, if you can give up a cherished possession and feel good about it, it does, in time change one, and I like the change; but I still don’t like people (yeah, I don’t even try to figure it out anymore).

When I needed help, no one was there, and I just don’t want anyone else to feel that way, especially if they are dealing with cancer.

I did have to chuckle, as not 15 minutes earlier, I was thinking about charitable acts; Maybe I should think about the lottery, Ha Ha.

Be happy, be good to others and remember to be good to your selfs

Glenn

Ps. A grapefruit a day and still depression free, but kind of bored; yeah, I am complicated (Ha Ha).

Hooray hooray it’s Canada Day,
A day of picnics and fun and play.

Things to do and things to see,
Please ladys, start dating me.

Just a friendly hint (Ha Ha; but no, really, I am lonely)

Be happy, be good to others and always remember to be good to yourself.

Glenn

So, eight days without depression; cool, but strangely, even father has not managed to get a rise out of me (and he is the frustrating one, no really he is).

For example, a few days ago I watered the flower bed, by the back of (and against) the  house. It is one of those drip hoses, and so I just left it on for about a half an hour, then turned it off before I left for work. By the way that wall leaks, you see the house has cracked basically in half, a few years ago father fixed the crack at the front of the house. Pulled the wall and insulation down and filled the crack (when dry) with silicone glue.

Sometimes it is nice having someone there who does know about that stuff. I don’t think that he will do the same to the rear wall, as every now and then he stops doing things that become too hard for him (like his woodwork), and I know better than to embarrass him by asking, when something becomes to hard, it just wont get done Until I can hire someone.

I will give him credit as many guys would just keep on until they got hurt. One day I will relate a story that altered my life and taught me about mortality. About when my grand gather tried to fix one thing to much because of male pride and, well, I understood that they are all,,, mortal. Yeah, I wasn’t a child, but, it still chills me,

Anyhoo, father chose that morning to water that flower bed, and left it on until I got back home. Water had seeped into the basement and well then the rug really smells until it dries out.

Like stuff  happens, no biggie,,, except.

When I got home, the first words out of my fathers mouth were, you are why the carpet is wet! You should have told me you had watered the flower bed.

Well sir, this (after a hard day of avoiding work), is the type of thing that would usually set me off; but not after the grapefruit!

I told father that maybe he should water when we are both there, so he doesn’t forget to turn it off, it is easy to forget that the water is on, I have done it also.

No anger, no scene, no hurt feelings (on either side), and still no depression. I  like this grapefruit and its effects. I have had eight days of blissful rest, and before you start saying that it is all in my mind; who cares! I am happier, father doesn’t seem to be getting on my nerves, and be it the grapefruit “leveling out my insulin levels, or just the “placebo” effect, life is good for Glenn, my puppy (and father).

I worked (at Goodwill) with a doctor of botany, who visited his wife (in Canada) for 3 months a year, and worked there to spend more time with her. Yes, they were devoted to each other, but after a life of travel, she wanted to stay here and they were together for three months a year. Well, that is the short story, but is is a good story, and they were super people.

He and his wife took bamboo in water every day to prevent diabetes, perhaps it works the same way as grapefruit. I have asked health store people and doctors about this, but they just scoff and laugh. Mind you, after seeing what the grapefruit has done for me, maybe I should persist and try to learn more.

Oh yes, apparently the same thing is in dark chocolate, so enjoy without guilt (I certainly will)!

Be happy, be good to others and remember to be good to your selfs

Glenn

Ps. we always hear about women running to the chocolate (or chocolate ice cream)when they get dumped and are depressed, This just makes me think.

Extra Ps. I was just getting another coffee and the woman at the counter had very distinctive and nice earrings. I asked where she got them and she said “Peru”, being a really bad flirt I said, oh, can you  “Peru-ve” it.

Yes, once again I sent a nice woman running, I think I need some better jokes.

Bye

So I guess that I should not have sex until father dies, goes into a home or is taken over by one of my (in name) brothers.

How I ended up here, when I was happy up north, well, that story is well (but not fully) covered on my previous posts.

Let us just say that neither of the brothers could be bothered to look after father, and for some strange reason he thinks that the sun shines out of there butts; while I am the looser, but more on that latter.

Now to be honest now that father is getting (even) older, my younger brother is talking about taking him, which would be great, except that it will never happen. Mind you it is smart of him to talk like that as father is getting closer to the inevitable.

Oh yes, I really don’t trust people or there motivation much anymore.

Anyhoo, he will be 82 soon and I was trying to ask him if he would like me to get him an e-book reader, and the usual happened. Moments after I started talking his stare went to the window and became distant; well at this point there is no point talking. You see he does this when ever I speak, unless it is an answer to a direct question.

A lifetime ago I loved with a wonderfully messed up woman (whom I truly hope is happy, as she really was cool), who destroyed my life with a small, insignificant question.

One day, almost as an afterthought she asked, “why do your parents always interrupt you, and not the other kids?”.

Well sir, it was at that moment that my (up until then) perfect fairy tail life, and my perfect loving family was torn away, never to return.

If you scour some of my previous post you can get the full story of how I came to be back to this dysfunctional dung heap; and hopefully it is interesting reading.

Before we move on let me issue this warning. Should a family member need you, and you already have any sort of a life, forget them, let them fucking rot, cause they will just crush your spirit and drag you down with them. For me it is too late the emotional (and I am sure, physical) damage is done, I am ruined, I exist in a place where even love can no longer reach (I am too fucking ugly anyway).

Cherish your life, DON”T LOOK AFTER FAMILY!!!

where was I, Oh yes, I did the only thing that i could and asked him what he was looking at, he said (very excitedly) “a bird on a wire”!

Yes, he is 81 and you might well say, he is old, he can’t concentrate, it just isn’t a “good day”.

I could live with that, and for years I gave him the benefit of the doubt, but with my (in name) brothers, he listens intently, never interrupts and never looks away or starts starring “out the window” and they always get his full attention.

Yeah, I know how this sounds, however in ways it has made me strong. You see, except when I am horny (after nine years of celibacy, when I get horny, it is in ways, overpowering), but it goes deeper than that, when you continually interrupt a child as they grow, you are saying that they are not important, and worthless.

I have refused to do (comp.) work for people because I have heard them calling there kids things like, idiot and dummy. I am proof that this fucks kids up, so don’t do it!

So where does this ramble leave us, well until he dies, or otherwise moves on, I wont be having sex; even gay sex with guys chosen who will let me play out this role and degrade me. I could NEVER develop feelings for a guy and women don’t dig me, and I don’t blame them, considering the state I am in.

If I did bring a woman over he would spend his time telling me how cheap she is (after all, she would be seeing me, so in his mind…). Unfortunately at this point I am far too damaged to trust anyone anyway. As for moving out; firstly I would (I am sure) be blamed for anything that happened to him, and after nine years, I am institutionalized, it is to late, I am too screwed up.

All this because I tried to ask him if he wanted an ebook reader (for the sizable print) Strangely, and I am sure that this is all too common; the parent will not listen, go without, or knnowingly make a bad choice just so they can show the caregiver “who  the boss is”.

How does this matter to the men I have been corresponding with, well, you don’t get your sex slave. I just don’t think that I can go so far as to relive the abuse, it would feel great at the moment, and people all over the world are do this nightly. I just can’t let him win, I wont let his actions totally ruin my (eventual) chance for a life. You see once I go down that road of reliving how worthless “daddy” makes me feel, I will never (emotionally) escape.

It is unfortunate, and I wish that it weren’t true, but there are many people out there (maybe you) who know how I feel and understand what I am going through (we are going through).

The next post will be (I promise) lighter, and will end this post on a happier note.

Be happy, be good to others, and remember to be good to your selfs.

Glenn

I have given up a lot, and this is just one more thing, but I will outlive him and move far far away, where maybe I can relearn the skills I need to look after myself. I don’t think that I will ever get my life back, but I will find a life where I can start making some decisions for myself.

I will begin part 4 with a story from childhood.

Mother was messed up (something that so far, only I can admit); now while this might be a bad thing, it did ensure that life would rarely be boaring.

To understand this post (or, the relevant part), please understand that to mother a digree was everything, it was in her mind, and because of how and when she was raied, she saw a university degree as the same as money.

This was at one time true, and having an education is great, but one unfortunate effect of an increasingly educated populas, is that more education is needed to “stand out”.

There is much about the treatment of girls on mothers side of the family that I wont go into here. I am actually still trying to put it all together and make sense of it, but suffice to say that it is an evolving story that has shaped many generations of that side of the family. As for the next question, yes I will be (in time) exploring it publicly.

Fortunately I have complete freedom in this en devour as it is doubtful that anyone in “the family” will ever see these words. Being invisible does have its privileges.

Anyhoo, on with our story.

I have proven everything that mother taught me about myself, wrong. Well, all but one.

One of the biggest influences in my life was this old Austrian woman, who had some very odd “homespun” wisdom (I didn’t put that well, but you know what I mean).

She would say “don’t tell me your religion, show me”, and these words have helped shape my life, but not always to a good end.

Parrents can say they love you, but what shapes a person (imho) is how they are treated, sort of like, if your actions don’t back up what you say, why bother saying “I love you”. Without actions, the words are meaningless.

Mother had strange ways of motivating me (as opposed to the others), at least three or four tomes a year she would yell, “Who could possibly love you, you don’t have a degree, you have nothing to offer!”.

Now, mother would go on and on about how well other peoples kids are doing, and say that she deserved at least one who is smart, and good in school.

On a side note, the truly screwed up thing is, is that after every dental appointment, she would have the dentist give us each a vile of mercury to play with, to help get us interested in science.

Oh yes, did I tell you that she was (at one time) a registered nurse. Yeah, people is weird.

Mind you she always made us wash our hands after playing with it, (usually on dinner a plate); how empty our days were after we (inevitably) lost our mercury.

Now this might be completely messed up, but makes me think, why is it so often that the crappy memories can still harbor nostalgia.

Getting back on topic for a while, I am intelligent, somewhat self assured, and most days I like what I see in my mirror. Yes, mother I am happy to say, was wrong, well, mostly. I just wish that I could have proven her wrong about no one ever loving me because I don’t have a degree, at this point I am sure that even if I did have a “degree”, well, the damage is done.

So she was right about one thing, I am big enough to give her that,,, but it still sucks.

Sometimes, being a looser is a good thing, and it did keep me from becoming something that I am not (you know, the gay thing).

So at the end of part three, I had finished house sitting and was lamenting about another year without human contact, once again, no sex. Another lonely year and wow did I felt crappy about myself.

Strangely with every day that passes, I feel stronger, better about my fate, and more and more am I accept being completely non-sexual. I will never like it, however, interestingly I am starting to experience this calm. I am actually getting arround to doing some of the things that I put off, when I spent all my time looking for … well, you know.

Be happy, be good to others and remember to be good to your self.

Glenn

Part 4 of 4

Ps. I do apologize for the grittiness of this series, but I will make it up and my next post will be “What mother didn’t know”. It will be a silly look into the mind of someone who could never be wrong.

Now if only I can stop feeling like shit when I see happy couples.

Talking with Ghosts

Time to let her go

Mother has been dead for almost 9 years, and the mother-child soup of emotions can finaly be set asside.

I was in an H&R Block this morning to pick up a disability form (eyes). Oh yes, for 16 years before her death mother was a tax preparer (this story I will save for another time). Anyhoo, I was picking up this disability form and got to talking with the seceratary and when I introduced myself, she called everyone over to stop, say hi to me and talk about mother.

If one is lucky, there comes a time when all (well, most) of the trauma and abuse of childhood can be put to rest, for me that day was today.

After hearing story after story, I finnaly began to see mother not only as a person, or a woman but as a completely seperate individual, a person perhaps mostly outside of my expirience bubble (excuse the trendy cleche).

Even at my advanced age had I ever thought about it, I don’t think that I have until today, seen mother as anything but an extention of myself. I have tried to escape my parrents (long series of rather odd tragic stories) for most of my life, but now I feel that both I and they are free.

I finnaly understand how seperate we are and perhaps always were.

As a child a large part of ones world is our parrents, I believed that as we grew up this would give way to not only physical indipendance, but an emotional seperation that allows us to step out of our childhood traumas (imagened or real), and take our place in the adult world. However thinking for the last few hours about the people I know, and have encountered, I wonder how many of us ever truly complete the seperation of the parrent child relationship, put the past to rest and move on to accepting a person to person relationship, where your mommy and daddy truly become John and Lil. Just people you know, in ways closer, in ways distant, but aquantences (or in a perfect world, friends).

I have all my life heard people say things like “Now that I am older my parrents and I are friends”, people say this, but how many of us truly achive it.

Alive or dead, my parrents and I will never be more that aquaintences, but that is somehow okay, as they will now and forever, always be to me, people.

Be happy, be good to others and most importantly, be good to yourself and the person you see in the mirror.

Glenn

gaburley@talkingtoghosts.com

So I started off with the elliptical thingy, looks big and cuddly, almost 

inviting, a comfortable place to do some, elliptical walking.

Yeah right!

This is quite the torture device, sort of like if Barney was one of those 

whips and chains people. 

Anyhoo, I did last 15 minutes yesterday, however I almost quit at the 

7 minute point, but somehow I made it and through (on the way to the

change room), I learned how I would walk in an earthquake.

So today I only did the dread device for 10 minutes, a much better choice.

Next I spent ½ and hour on the stationary bike, fun and familiar. 

Moved over to the recumbent bicycle, and I got to say, not fun, but

 not alot of effort, 

I can however go public about the swelling in my foot; actually the 

whole lower part of my leg was swollen, but after a few years of taking 

stairs instead of elevators, it is mainly a bad memory.

Well, all except my right foot, or the top of it anyway.

You see, before exercising, it would be normal in the morning and within 

minutes of getting up, the top part would swell and by the end of the 

day be hard.

Well after 5 days of exercising, my foot is always swollen (even in the 

morning), but it is squishy and never gets hard.

Good for Glenn, and a nice incentive to continue. 

Well, there is however one bad thing that has come out of my foray 

into “exercise world”.

Before exercising, the little General (wink wink), saluted constantly, almost 

intrusively, every day, all the time!

Unfortunately, after exercising for a week…, the little general…, no respect for anyone!

After my two week trial is over, I will post an update, or…, downdate (Sorry for the 

joke, but I was only teasing myself).

Keep smiling, be happy, be cool to others, and above all, be groovy to yourself.

Glenn

gaburley@talkingtoghosts
http://www.talkingtoghosts.com

gaburley@scruffymedia.com
http://www.scruffymedia.com

So, day 2 and I am sticking with it. Today instead of taking the spinning (they call it revs) class, I tried a fat burning workout on one of the (more padded) cycles in the main area. Brighter, TV’s, tunes and best of all (as inspiration), I had a great view of the snack bar.

This being only my second visit, and being eternally lazy, I chose the fat burning programme on the cycle (Please no jokes about the inevitable inferno Ha Ha), and set it at level 1 for 45 minutes. Like a nice leasurely ride in the countryside.

45 minutes latter I had worked up a good sweat, got my heart rate up and best of all there were some very attractive women exercising near me, awsome, they don’t know that I wimped out and only did level one, life is good today!

So I got off the bicycle while flashing my sexyist “I just worked out and I am looking good” smile, and then wondered, where are my legs?

Well at least workout number 2 is over, and I made some women laugh…, as I staggered off like a drunken sailor, into the change room.

Maybe I will be hot, buff and coordinated after my next visit.

Be happy, be good to others, and remember to be good to your selfs

Glenn

gaburley@talkingtoghosts