My Life

Well, it might have come thirty years later than it should have, but I get it now.

I have spent the past 20+ years figuring things out and doing serious soul searching on the path to becoming the dude that I am now, but it is an ongoing evouoution of the self. Like in that old cancer commercial, “it is a bunch of little eureka’s” (if you remember this, you might be old, or an Al Waxman fan).

I concider myself somewhat sensitive to the needs and feelings of others, but I am still an old dog, raised in a different time, and in ways, with diferent values.

When I was in school, there were very few “special needs” kids, and I was told that I was lazy and stupid. The teachers would take great delight in passing arround my writing that they refered to as Glenn’s “hyrogliphics”, then laugh and laugh.

You see writing hurts, and still does. I can only write a sentence or two and my hands start hurting, but back then, they just said I was lazy.

Not that I am complaining (much), and we all have our things to deal with, but as I said, 40 years ago, things were, well just different.

Like at work, I know that helping to take down the salad bar is not my job, and I enjoy it, unless I am really busy, then I need as much time as I can get for my own work. I could however be wrong, so I wont say anything, and I am the new guy, and I have a habit of choosing the wrong time to speak up (which I only find funny in retrospect).

Well, I am probably straying a bit from my chosen topic, the point is that the teachers made fun of me, and I felt worthless.

Oh yes I have a screwed up eye, which to me is no biggie, but it does tend to affect how people “sometimes” treat me, for example, I went back to school as an adult and actually completed something.

I will write muh more about this in time, but right now it is only important that I took a series of courses, finished something, and really felt good.

Unfortunately there were many interviews where interviewers would say things like “your eye might bother the staff, or our customers”, or the place that said “no, we can’t let you work on computers, but you could work part time, unloading the trucks”

Out of desperation I even went to Employabilities, who specialize in placing disabled people. I walked in and before I could explain about my (computer) certifications, the fellow sat back, crossed his hands and said (and I quote) “you are unemployable, you might as well leave”.

Talk about feeling worthless, but once again, well, until I gave up, and now I mainly just wash dishes and work in warehouses. I do however keep plugging away at the computer thing, sort of like the lottery, if you don’t buy a ticket, you don’t have any hope.

Now that the stage is set, I will get back to our little morality play for tonight.

I was sitting in the bar after work a few nights ago, and being a bar there was were one (well more, but that is not part of this story) obnoxious jerk.

By the way, this is one reason that I stopped drinking, after getting my little bit of education, I went from a happy drunk to an obnoxious one.

anyway, this jerk (emboldened by alchohol) yelled out “********, you have the sweetest ass that I have ever seen”.

well sir, all of a sudden, all these things came rushing back to my memory, as I saw this poor girl tighten up, and I could just feel the frustration.

It is sad to say, but true, if a lady works in a bar, she will get bigger tips, the fewer or tighter her cloths, that is life, and she chose to work there.

No one however should be treated like a thing, or that all they are is a “nice ass”, and sadly I will say to this lady, and all other bar waitresses, whenever this happens, I am sorry, but at least, I get it now.

Be happy,be good to others and remember to be good to yourself (you are worth it).

Glenn

gaburey@talkingtoghosts.com

So, it turns out that father never wanted me back home.

While this might sound bad, it really isn’t; let me back up a bit.

I am still happy and as much as he tries, I am still not loosing my cool with father.

As I write this I am actually waiting for the “West Edmonton Mall” Apple store to open in… 8 hours and 13 minutes, actually, not just open, but the grand opening. I have just enough to get an ipod Shuffle (1gig), true I will not have much left to see me through until payday, but I will be fine, and the payday story I will get around to soon.

I actually was not that exited, however I wanted to experience an opening like this; you know at other openings there are people in line, days in advance. By the way West Edmonton Mall is the biggest mall in the world (take that mall of America), so I was expecting a really fun time.

So far there only about 6 people in line, disappointing, but still cool, and if you go to my talkingtoghosts site, I will try to have some video up this weekend.

Wow, did I get off topic!

Anyhoo, father was asking why I declared bankruptcy (99). Now he was there when I was going through it, but he was mourning the loss of his wife, so I am sure that there is much that time is forgotten in the “cruel mist of grief” (cool choice of words huh).

I explained about being tricked into coming here, and as you know that is the reason for much of my bitterness.

Father just said “I never wanted you here”.

Now, this might seem cruel, but, we don’t like each other and we are stuck (yes by fear as much as anything, but I am cool with that).

I reached down and as I touched my dog I realized something, and told father. I said that while I would have preferred to have remained up north, I would not want to give up a moment with my Scruffy.

Father doesn’t want me here, I don’t want to be here, but now everything is pretty much okay, as long as I have my dreams my experiments,,, and a puppy to love.

Sometimes without knowing it, and even in a pile of crap, happiness finds us, like Scruffy found me.

Be happy, be good to others, and always remember to be good to your selfs.

Glenn

Hi everyone;

Wow do I have a story. You see, this morning I was walking my puppy (Scruffy, and yes, he earned that name), and thought that it is about time to do a random act of kindness, pulled scruffy away from something gross and thought no more of it.

As our walk was drawing to a close, one of the neighbours stopped to talk as he was driving by,

Twice I have sorted out computer problems for this guys family, and I used to work with his daughter (total babe), so like acquaintances and neighbours, we spent a few minutes talking. Unfortunately, his other daughter has cancer and has to go to another city for a bone marrow transplant.

Now I take this very personally as mother “thought” herself to death, when she was diagnosed with cancer. You see 50+ years ago she was a nurse, and back then, cancer was (in her mind) a death sentence.

This pushy, strong, opinionated; maybe I should take a moment and tell you about mother, and the best way to do this is to retell a line from her eulogy.

“In their long marriage, Lilian made all the small decisions and being the dutiful wife, left all the big decisions to father; unfortunately, there never seemed to be any, big decisions”.

Anyhoo, this strong woman did something that still un nerves me; she gave up. Less than 5 weeks later, she was dead; maybe outlook would not have changed anything, but that is why I will always take this personally.

Anyway this fellows daughter is well, if you know, you understand, and there is no more explanation needed.

Without thinking about it, and knowing that there will be hours spent waiting in doctor’s offices; I packaged up my ipod touch (my eternal companion), and walked it over to her parents place for her.

Now, lets get this straight, I hate people, I have no time for them, all they have brought me is disappointment. When I am lucky enough to have a girlfriend, life is great, with her I am kind loving and open, but that is it.

Well, the exception is her family, if they are cool, I become Mr. Family dude; basically, I am a lot like Homer Simpson. Beyond this I avoid people (okay, I am desperately lonely, but that is my own pile of crap).

I do strangely, like doing nice things for people, you know, random acts of kindness.

The Christians are correct when they say, “good acts won’t get you into heaven”, however, things like this can make a blue day happy, and, well, on my crazy little world, I feel that people should help each other. Good acts, if done with a happy heart, can change a person, and sometimes, this is where happiness comes from.

Also, if you can give up a cherished possession and feel good about it, it does, in time change one, and I like the change; but I still don’t like people (yeah, I don’t even try to figure it out anymore).

When I needed help, no one was there, and I just don’t want anyone else to feel that way, especially if they are dealing with cancer.

I did have to chuckle, as not 15 minutes earlier, I was thinking about charitable acts; Maybe I should think about the lottery, Ha Ha.

Be happy, be good to others and remember to be good to your selfs

Glenn

Ps. A grapefruit a day and still depression free, but kind of bored; yeah, I am complicated (Ha Ha).

So If you remember where we left off, that is great, but just in case (you know I tend to ramble) I will summerize.

I wont (if I am strong enough), have degrading sex with men just to relive how I feel arround “father”. Strangely, or happily for me as I like women, unless I am reenacting this role (I assume).

So what do I do so I can overcome this hornyness, whithout doing anything degrading or degrading anyone else?

Maybe I should add a note here, you see I am always talking about sex and it seems (even to me) that I am always horny, wich is another reason that I can’t date. Would you want to be sitting across form this drooling beast at a restaurant who is obviously obsessed with nine years of sexual frustration (and, well, it is a restaurant, so I would pretty much be drooling anyway).

I had a thought, why not just budget for some “compensated company” every once in a while?

Well, at first I will be so crazy from lack of sex that, well (brain, cartoon!), I picture this Lady of the evening standing at my door about to ring the doorbell, then noticing  some bills in her hand, and thinking, wow, that was quick.

Now once this initial sexual release is taken care of, I am sure that I will settle down into the normal male routine, of only, “mostly” thinking about sex, instead of having it consume my life.

Yes, why not just do like I did in Vagas (awsome story) and let professionals look after me?

Well, prostitutes are hard working women, who really are not given the respect, dignity and admiration that we give to (or should give to) any other business woman.

These women, are women first and shouldn’t be put down or used. Unfortunately, I feel that me going to them for help, might be “using them”, so I am not sure what to do.

I have heard very often that there are “women giving it away, everywhere”, well. not so, and if they are, could they be doing it for a wrong reason (like me and abusive guys).

Once again, the “guy” thing hasn’t happened yet and hopefully wont.

So I don’t know what to do, which brings to mind ,,, a story!

This story is entitled “How a prostitute made me feel really good for a toonie!”

For all you international readers, in Canada the $2 dollar coin is referred to as the “toonie”, just google it (or google it on Yahoo) for a fuller explanation.

I was working in one of the more interesting, but less disireable parts of town, and one day while waiting for my bus a slightly grubby but nice looking woman approached me, and being a guy, I sucked my gut in and thought, “alright”.

She asked me if I had any spare change and being a hippie (and she being a woman), I reached in my pocket and produced a toonie, placed it in her super soft and totally hot hand, gently closed it, like in the movies, and looked her in the eye as she said with a smile, “well, it is easier than a date”.

I smiled back and said, “you wouldn’t want to be with me anyway, I mean, just look at me.

She then came close, touched my arm, and whispered in my ear, “it’s okay, it will happen for you”.

And that my friends is the story of how “A prostitute made me feel good for a toonie”.

The point of this heartwarming and poignient story (to me it is heartwarming and a bit poignient, what ever that is), is that I see these women as they are , people, and business women, I just don’t know if I could go to them, in case I caused emotional harm.

What will I do, stay tuned and find out. unless you are a woman in Edmonton, who knows what I am going through and wants to help (please please please please please please please please).

So today I am not depressed. I have been depressed for about weeks, not one of those serious ones that let you know that they are there, but one of the sneaky ones that zap your energy, keep you from getting things done and eventually keep you in bed at every possible moment.

I have had this what I call “low level” depression since my cousin left. She was visiting and well when she left, I went back to house sitting (talkingtoghosts.com, see my 4 part article “I an not gay, apparently”) and slipping into an all to common depression.

You see, she is probably the only family member that I talk to (long story). I have also been in love with her ever since; well, loving her is my first memory.

First cousin!!!!!!!!!

It isn’t as bad as it seems, as we are both adopted; weird, but the heart wants, well you know the rest (silly hearts).

Actually I was going to make my “move” when she was here, but I would rather not know and still have her in my life.

To be honest, while I am a groovy dude, I can’t seem to make a relationship work, and I would not want to see her sad or in pain; and after nine years alone, well, it is pretty much hopeless.

But hey, at least I feel something; but back to our story.

I decided to start eating grapefruit to help my cholesterol, and I had one, a red one last night.

Grapefruit apparently have flavinoids in them, which are mood stabilizers and acts like an antidepressant. The same thing is in “dark” chocolate (that is one for us fat guys!).

Now as we all know, antidepressants don’t take effect immediately, that is imposable! Mind you just because something is impossible doesn’t necessarily mean that it didn’t happen.

I went to bed late and had less sleep than usual, but I awoke refreshed, and for the first time in weeks, I wasn’t depressed; and it lasted all day. So guess what I am going out to buy once I finish this; you guessed it, grapefruit and dark chocolate (well, low salt chips; I’ve been good!)

I will let you all know how the next few days go.

Be happy, keep smiling and be good to others

Glenn

So I started off with the elliptical thingy, looks big and cuddly, almost 

inviting, a comfortable place to do some, elliptical walking.

Yeah right!

This is quite the torture device, sort of like if Barney was one of those 

whips and chains people. 

Anyhoo, I did last 15 minutes yesterday, however I almost quit at the 

7 minute point, but somehow I made it and through (on the way to the

change room), I learned how I would walk in an earthquake.

So today I only did the dread device for 10 minutes, a much better choice.

Next I spent ½ and hour on the stationary bike, fun and familiar. 

Moved over to the recumbent bicycle, and I got to say, not fun, but

 not alot of effort, 

I can however go public about the swelling in my foot; actually the 

whole lower part of my leg was swollen, but after a few years of taking 

stairs instead of elevators, it is mainly a bad memory.

Well, all except my right foot, or the top of it anyway.

You see, before exercising, it would be normal in the morning and within 

minutes of getting up, the top part would swell and by the end of the 

day be hard.

Well after 5 days of exercising, my foot is always swollen (even in the 

morning), but it is squishy and never gets hard.

Good for Glenn, and a nice incentive to continue. 

Well, there is however one bad thing that has come out of my foray 

into “exercise world”.

Before exercising, the little General (wink wink), saluted constantly, almost 

intrusively, every day, all the time!

Unfortunately, after exercising for a week…, the little general…, no respect for anyone!

After my two week trial is over, I will post an update, or…, downdate (Sorry for the 

joke, but I was only teasing myself).

Keep smiling, be happy, be cool to others, and above all, be groovy to yourself.

Glenn

gaburley@talkingtoghosts
http://www.talkingtoghosts.com

gaburley@scruffymedia.com
http://www.scruffymedia.com