My Life

So I guess that I should not have sex until father dies, goes into a home or is taken over by one of my (in name) brothers.

How I ended up here, when I was happy up north, well, that story is well (but not fully) covered on my previous posts.

Let us just say that neither of the brothers could be bothered to look after father, and for some strange reason he thinks that the sun shines out of there butts; while I am the looser, but more on that latter.

Now to be honest now that father is getting (even) older, my younger brother is talking about taking him, which would be great, except that it will never happen. Mind you it is smart of him to talk like that as father is getting closer to the inevitable.

Oh yes, I really don’t trust people or there motivation much anymore.

Anyhoo, he will be 82 soon and I was trying to ask him if he would like me to get him an e-book reader, and the usual happened. Moments after I started talking his stare went to the window and became distant; well at this point there is no point talking. You see he does this when ever I speak, unless it is an answer to a direct question.

A lifetime ago I loved with a wonderfully messed up woman (whom I truly hope is happy, as she really was cool), who destroyed my life with a small, insignificant question.

One day, almost as an afterthought she asked, “why do your parents always interrupt you, and not the other kids?”.

Well sir, it was at that moment that my (up until then) perfect fairy tail life, and my perfect loving family was torn away, never to return.

If you scour some of my previous post you can get the full story of how I came to be back to this dysfunctional dung heap; and hopefully it is interesting reading.

Before we move on let me issue this warning. Should a family member need you, and you already have any sort of a life, forget them, let them fucking rot, cause they will just crush your spirit and drag you down with them. For me it is too late the emotional (and I am sure, physical) damage is done, I am ruined, I exist in a place where even love can no longer reach (I am too fucking ugly anyway).

Cherish your life, DON”T LOOK AFTER FAMILY!!!

where was I, Oh yes, I did the only thing that i could and asked him what he was looking at, he said (very excitedly) “a bird on a wire”!

Yes, he is 81 and you might well say, he is old, he can’t concentrate, it just isn’t a “good day”.

I could live with that, and for years I gave him the benefit of the doubt, but with my (in name) brothers, he listens intently, never interrupts and never looks away or starts starring “out the window” and they always get his full attention.

Yeah, I know how this sounds, however in ways it has made me strong. You see, except when I am horny (after nine years of celibacy, when I get horny, it is in ways, overpowering), but it goes deeper than that, when you continually interrupt a child as they grow, you are saying that they are not important, and worthless.

I have refused to do (comp.) work for people because I have heard them calling there kids things like, idiot and dummy. I am proof that this fucks kids up, so don’t do it!

So where does this ramble leave us, well until he dies, or otherwise moves on, I wont be having sex; even gay sex with guys chosen who will let me play out this role and degrade me. I could NEVER develop feelings for a guy and women don’t dig me, and I don’t blame them, considering the state I am in.

If I did bring a woman over he would spend his time telling me how cheap she is (after all, she would be seeing me, so in his mind…). Unfortunately at this point I am far too damaged to trust anyone anyway. As for moving out; firstly I would (I am sure) be blamed for anything that happened to him, and after nine years, I am institutionalized, it is to late, I am too screwed up.

All this because I tried to ask him if he wanted an ebook reader (for the sizable print) Strangely, and I am sure that this is all too common; the parent will not listen, go without, or knnowingly make a bad choice just so they can show the caregiver “who  the boss is”.

How does this matter to the men I have been corresponding with, well, you don’t get your sex slave. I just don’t think that I can go so far as to relive the abuse, it would feel great at the moment, and people all over the world are do this nightly. I just can’t let him win, I wont let his actions totally ruin my (eventual) chance for a life. You see once I go down that road of reliving how worthless “daddy” makes me feel, I will never (emotionally) escape.

It is unfortunate, and I wish that it weren’t true, but there are many people out there (maybe you) who know how I feel and understand what I am going through (we are going through).

The next post will be (I promise) lighter, and will end this post on a happier note.

Be happy, be good to others, and remember to be good to your selfs.

Glenn

I have given up a lot, and this is just one more thing, but I will outlive him and move far far away, where maybe I can relearn the skills I need to look after myself. I don’t think that I will ever get my life back, but I will find a life where I can start making some decisions for myself.

I will begin part 4 with a story from childhood.

Mother was messed up (something that so far, only I can admit); now while this might be a bad thing, it did ensure that life would rarely be boaring.

To understand this post (or, the relevant part), please understand that to mother a digree was everything, it was in her mind, and because of how and when she was raied, she saw a university degree as the same as money.

This was at one time true, and having an education is great, but one unfortunate effect of an increasingly educated populas, is that more education is needed to “stand out”.

There is much about the treatment of girls on mothers side of the family that I wont go into here. I am actually still trying to put it all together and make sense of it, but suffice to say that it is an evolving story that has shaped many generations of that side of the family. As for the next question, yes I will be (in time) exploring it publicly.

Fortunately I have complete freedom in this en devour as it is doubtful that anyone in “the family” will ever see these words. Being invisible does have its privileges.

Anyhoo, on with our story.

I have proven everything that mother taught me about myself, wrong. Well, all but one.

One of the biggest influences in my life was this old Austrian woman, who had some very odd “homespun” wisdom (I didn’t put that well, but you know what I mean).

She would say “don’t tell me your religion, show me”, and these words have helped shape my life, but not always to a good end.

Parrents can say they love you, but what shapes a person (imho) is how they are treated, sort of like, if your actions don’t back up what you say, why bother saying “I love you”. Without actions, the words are meaningless.

Mother had strange ways of motivating me (as opposed to the others), at least three or four tomes a year she would yell, “Who could possibly love you, you don’t have a degree, you have nothing to offer!”.

Now, mother would go on and on about how well other peoples kids are doing, and say that she deserved at least one who is smart, and good in school.

On a side note, the truly screwed up thing is, is that after every dental appointment, she would have the dentist give us each a vile of mercury to play with, to help get us interested in science.

Oh yes, did I tell you that she was (at one time) a registered nurse. Yeah, people is weird.

Mind you she always made us wash our hands after playing with it, (usually on dinner a plate); how empty our days were after we (inevitably) lost our mercury.

Now this might be completely messed up, but makes me think, why is it so often that the crappy memories can still harbor nostalgia.

Getting back on topic for a while, I am intelligent, somewhat self assured, and most days I like what I see in my mirror. Yes, mother I am happy to say, was wrong, well, mostly. I just wish that I could have proven her wrong about no one ever loving me because I don’t have a degree, at this point I am sure that even if I did have a “degree”, well, the damage is done.

So she was right about one thing, I am big enough to give her that,,, but it still sucks.

Sometimes, being a looser is a good thing, and it did keep me from becoming something that I am not (you know, the gay thing).

So at the end of part three, I had finished house sitting and was lamenting about another year without human contact, once again, no sex. Another lonely year and wow did I felt crappy about myself.

Strangely with every day that passes, I feel stronger, better about my fate, and more and more am I accept being completely non-sexual. I will never like it, however, interestingly I am starting to experience this calm. I am actually getting arround to doing some of the things that I put off, when I spent all my time looking for … well, you know.

Be happy, be good to others and remember to be good to your self.

Glenn

Part 4 of 4

Ps. I do apologize for the grittiness of this series, but I will make it up and my next post will be “What mother didn’t know”. It will be a silly look into the mind of someone who could never be wrong.

Now if only I can stop feeling like shit when I see happy couples.

So, here I am. In a city that I don’t like, looking after a person that (I know now) I don’t like and surrounded by family that I don’t like.

Wow does that sound bad; the truth (as most see it) is that they are perfect, people look up to them and respect them. Well, not so much for my older brother, but that is a story for another time.

They are all extremely successful and attractive, not only do women want to be with my (married) brothers, but when I take out my father for a meal, the waitresses, usually hit on father. Waitresses younger than me; and he is over 80!

Yes I do feel bad and am a bit jealous, but that is my oun pile of crap to deal with; the point is that they are this perfect family that just loves each other to bits.

Just, don’t go scratching the surface now; just like a magic show, once the illusion is broken, it is never the same.

Anyhoo, here I am back where I grew up, well to be honest I still haven’t grown up much and I probably wont until I am once again out on my own, but once again, this is a topic for another time.

Most wont tell you this, but should you go home to look after a parent, you immediately revert back to a child, that at least, in the mind of your charge. If you do have to look after someone, bring them to your place, or at least, get a place together to help minimize the parent child bullpoop.

I met a woman whom is planning on looking after her father, and she is looking forward to it. Sometimes people just have to learn for themselves.

Back to our story.

So here I was and sadly I did not find a “great” job like I had up north, well to me it was great. I realized a few years latter that I probably had many “good” jobs here, but hating it here I found a reason to quit each one.

You see, I still feel that if I set down roots here, I might never leave (once I get the chance), however I am trying to stop sabatouging myself.

Oh yes, why don’t we get to the sex stuff (yes yes, oh baby yes!).

I was here for about two and a half or three years, and I met someone (which is good by my standards). She was this intelligent woman with an interesting job, and most importantly, she went out with me! Yes that sounds desperate, but, that is me, so get used to it.

The first 2 dates went fine, and I really liked her, but then came that dread third date, the one where you are comfortable with each other and are starting to make decisions about where this might go.

In a nutshell what happened is, well i happened. It was like I was watching myself, and I couldn’t stop it, all of a sudden I turned into this pushy, whiny, wimpy guy that, well, lets just say that it wasn’t pretty.

Now that I have written that down, I was probably wrong about the gay thing, but I didn’t know that until the last few moments, so I will continue as if I hadn’t brought it up yet. Maybe I should have my conclusion of the article here, and continue with the “left out” part. I think that I might; but let me first say that I am sorry to that nice lady and I probably ruined some thing that might have been special.

I suck; or in the words of the guy from “King of Queens”, “I HATE ME!!!!!”.

Well onwards to our decent. Years (of trying, and being frustrated) went by and I still couldn’t find anyone. I will save the “first date” story of me and the figure skater for another time (once again, it ended badly).

I began to wonder if women could sence something that I couldn’t. I began re evaluating my sexuality and thinking about what I could put up with and what I could not, if I was gay, well fine, but some stuff is just gross. Love is love, but the kissing thing, I am sorry, but no freakin’ way!

So I thought that I knew what I was, and set out to, well, blossom; not my first choice, but if I was gay I would give it the old collage try.

However, in the words of Martin Prince from the Simpsons, “I am just as unpopular with the chaps as I am with the lady’s”.

I went to bars, which never worked in the straight world, but it was something to try. Straight or gay, same lonely result.

I joined and cruised the local on-line community (a lot), but still nothing, well, I could set up meetings with guys, but as soon as they got one look at me, they would walk away (I should make a joke about being “scared straight”, but being unacceptable to both sexes, is just,,,sad).

For a few more years I continued being, stood up, turned down and walked away from, but still, settling into a nice frustrating routine.

Now father goes away twice a year for a week or so, and it was during this time that I tried as hard as possible, and even with my own “love nest”, nothing happened.

It got to the point a few years ago where I decided that I would, well let me start again. I slowly put out of my mind all thoughts of being satisfied, as I thought of myself, and sometimes still do, as truly (as My ex wife would say) “gross and disgusting”. I only think of myself that way sometimes, but it is still there; just more crap to work on, and most days I do like myself.

My ex wife, now there was an abyss of self loathing. She used to say to me, “You are perfect” (pause) “for me” it was only after the breakup that I realized that she meant that I was the all she deserved. It was never just “you are perfect for me” but it always came with that damn pause and the “for me”.

One day I would like to peer into the depths of both of our co-dependant psycho drama, but that would take many painful and long (er) posts.

So here I am, with a place, and this year I will either get something or accept my fate as a non-sexual being.

I began offering my services to anyone desperate and horny enough to use me as they might. Well, at least it would be something.

Sounds like an offer that no one could refuse, well, not only (this year) did I have a place for twice as long, but I really did pull out all stops and try harder than I had before. I would do anything, let anyone do what they wanted with me and ask nothing in return.

I have read that without physical contact people go crazy, you don’t relate to people as well, or in time at all. This was the year that I would get something and I would learn to damn well like it!

I had 3 people come over, well drive by and speed off like scalded cats; I went to meet 2 others, and had them say, I don’t know what you are talking about, no biggie, I am used to it.

Well, father came back, and then my brother came back (I also looked after his house while they went away); and another year without any sex, contact or anything.

Please, read this series in order

Glenn
I am not gay, apparently, part 3 of 4