My Life

So, eight days without depression; cool, but strangely, even father has not managed to get a rise out of me (and he is the frustrating one, no really he is).

For example, a few days ago I watered the flower bed, by the back of (and against) the  house. It is one of those drip hoses, and so I just left it on for about a half an hour, then turned it off before I left for work. By the way that wall leaks, you see the house has cracked basically in half, a few years ago father fixed the crack at the front of the house. Pulled the wall and insulation down and filled the crack (when dry) with silicone glue.

Sometimes it is nice having someone there who does know about that stuff. I don’t think that he will do the same to the rear wall, as every now and then he stops doing things that become too hard for him (like his woodwork), and I know better than to embarrass him by asking, when something becomes to hard, it just wont get done Until I can hire someone.

I will give him credit as many guys would just keep on until they got hurt. One day I will relate a story that altered my life and taught me about mortality. About when my grand gather tried to fix one thing to much because of male pride and, well, I understood that they are all,,, mortal. Yeah, I wasn’t a child, but, it still chills me,

Anyhoo, father chose that morning to water that flower bed, and left it on until I got back home. Water had seeped into the basement and well then the rug really smells until it dries out.

Like stuff  happens, no biggie,,, except.

When I got home, the first words out of my fathers mouth were, you are why the carpet is wet! You should have told me you had watered the flower bed.

Well sir, this (after a hard day of avoiding work), is the type of thing that would usually set me off; but not after the grapefruit!

I told father that maybe he should water when we are both there, so he doesn’t forget to turn it off, it is easy to forget that the water is on, I have done it also.

No anger, no scene, no hurt feelings (on either side), and still no depression. I  like this grapefruit and its effects. I have had eight days of blissful rest, and before you start saying that it is all in my mind; who cares! I am happier, father doesn’t seem to be getting on my nerves, and be it the grapefruit “leveling out my insulin levels, or just the “placebo” effect, life is good for Glenn, my puppy (and father).

I worked (at Goodwill) with a doctor of botany, who visited his wife (in Canada) for 3 months a year, and worked there to spend more time with her. Yes, they were devoted to each other, but after a life of travel, she wanted to stay here and they were together for three months a year. Well, that is the short story, but is is a good story, and they were super people.

He and his wife took bamboo in water every day to prevent diabetes, perhaps it works the same way as grapefruit. I have asked health store people and doctors about this, but they just scoff and laugh. Mind you, after seeing what the grapefruit has done for me, maybe I should persist and try to learn more.

Oh yes, apparently the same thing is in dark chocolate, so enjoy without guilt (I certainly will)!

Be happy, be good to others and remember to be good to your selfs

Glenn

Ps. we always hear about women running to the chocolate (or chocolate ice cream)when they get dumped and are depressed, This just makes me think.

Extra Ps. I was just getting another coffee and the woman at the counter had very distinctive and nice earrings. I asked where she got them and she said “Peru”, being a really bad flirt I said, oh, can you  “Peru-ve” it.

Yes, once again I sent a nice woman running, I think I need some better jokes.

Bye

So today I am not depressed. I have been depressed for about weeks, not one of those serious ones that let you know that they are there, but one of the sneaky ones that zap your energy, keep you from getting things done and eventually keep you in bed at every possible moment.

I have had this what I call “low level” depression since my cousin left. She was visiting and well when she left, I went back to house sitting (talkingtoghosts.com, see my 4 part article “I an not gay, apparently”) and slipping into an all to common depression.

You see, she is probably the only family member that I talk to (long story). I have also been in love with her ever since; well, loving her is my first memory.

First cousin!!!!!!!!!

It isn’t as bad as it seems, as we are both adopted; weird, but the heart wants, well you know the rest (silly hearts).

Actually I was going to make my “move” when she was here, but I would rather not know and still have her in my life.

To be honest, while I am a groovy dude, I can’t seem to make a relationship work, and I would not want to see her sad or in pain; and after nine years alone, well, it is pretty much hopeless.

But hey, at least I feel something; but back to our story.

I decided to start eating grapefruit to help my cholesterol, and I had one, a red one last night.

Grapefruit apparently have flavinoids in them, which are mood stabilizers and acts like an antidepressant. The same thing is in “dark” chocolate (that is one for us fat guys!).

Now as we all know, antidepressants don’t take effect immediately, that is imposable! Mind you just because something is impossible doesn’t necessarily mean that it didn’t happen.

I went to bed late and had less sleep than usual, but I awoke refreshed, and for the first time in weeks, I wasn’t depressed; and it lasted all day. So guess what I am going out to buy once I finish this; you guessed it, grapefruit and dark chocolate (well, low salt chips; I’ve been good!)

I will let you all know how the next few days go.

Be happy, keep smiling and be good to others

Glenn

I will begin part 4 with a story from childhood.

Mother was messed up (something that so far, only I can admit); now while this might be a bad thing, it did ensure that life would rarely be boaring.

To understand this post (or, the relevant part), please understand that to mother a digree was everything, it was in her mind, and because of how and when she was raied, she saw a university degree as the same as money.

This was at one time true, and having an education is great, but one unfortunate effect of an increasingly educated populas, is that more education is needed to “stand out”.

There is much about the treatment of girls on mothers side of the family that I wont go into here. I am actually still trying to put it all together and make sense of it, but suffice to say that it is an evolving story that has shaped many generations of that side of the family. As for the next question, yes I will be (in time) exploring it publicly.

Fortunately I have complete freedom in this en devour as it is doubtful that anyone in “the family” will ever see these words. Being invisible does have its privileges.

Anyhoo, on with our story.

I have proven everything that mother taught me about myself, wrong. Well, all but one.

One of the biggest influences in my life was this old Austrian woman, who had some very odd “homespun” wisdom (I didn’t put that well, but you know what I mean).

She would say “don’t tell me your religion, show me”, and these words have helped shape my life, but not always to a good end.

Parrents can say they love you, but what shapes a person (imho) is how they are treated, sort of like, if your actions don’t back up what you say, why bother saying “I love you”. Without actions, the words are meaningless.

Mother had strange ways of motivating me (as opposed to the others), at least three or four tomes a year she would yell, “Who could possibly love you, you don’t have a degree, you have nothing to offer!”.

Now, mother would go on and on about how well other peoples kids are doing, and say that she deserved at least one who is smart, and good in school.

On a side note, the truly screwed up thing is, is that after every dental appointment, she would have the dentist give us each a vile of mercury to play with, to help get us interested in science.

Oh yes, did I tell you that she was (at one time) a registered nurse. Yeah, people is weird.

Mind you she always made us wash our hands after playing with it, (usually on dinner a plate); how empty our days were after we (inevitably) lost our mercury.

Now this might be completely messed up, but makes me think, why is it so often that the crappy memories can still harbor nostalgia.

Getting back on topic for a while, I am intelligent, somewhat self assured, and most days I like what I see in my mirror. Yes, mother I am happy to say, was wrong, well, mostly. I just wish that I could have proven her wrong about no one ever loving me because I don’t have a degree, at this point I am sure that even if I did have a “degree”, well, the damage is done.

So she was right about one thing, I am big enough to give her that,,, but it still sucks.

Sometimes, being a looser is a good thing, and it did keep me from becoming something that I am not (you know, the gay thing).

So at the end of part three, I had finished house sitting and was lamenting about another year without human contact, once again, no sex. Another lonely year and wow did I felt crappy about myself.

Strangely with every day that passes, I feel stronger, better about my fate, and more and more am I accept being completely non-sexual. I will never like it, however, interestingly I am starting to experience this calm. I am actually getting arround to doing some of the things that I put off, when I spent all my time looking for … well, you know.

Be happy, be good to others and remember to be good to your self.

Glenn

Part 4 of 4

Ps. I do apologize for the grittiness of this series, but I will make it up and my next post will be “What mother didn’t know”. It will be a silly look into the mind of someone who could never be wrong.

Now if only I can stop feeling like shit when I see happy couples.